Part 7: Silent Meditation Retreat: So What Was the Lesson Learned?

I originally ended this reflection with these words:  

"I take away from the weekend the word "surrender". I hope I never forget it. The feel of it and what it means. Silent Meditation Retreat. No longer a challenge to be feared, but a safe and structured place in which to bravely attempt to find the gate. To be the gate. 

"Just this. Just this.""

Now, with more perspective, I can sound less like an inspirational text and a lot more honest. So what was the weekend all about? Does it end with naughty words and raucous laughter and we go on our merry way, with a little sanctimonious bit about "surrender", otherwise life as usual, as if it had never happened? Of course not. 

Deep breath. Here is what I learned: 

While my tile idea was a 'thought', it is still the closest I have yet come to being able to follow the breath, stay with it and not get lost in thought. At least for a little while! So a good thing. The realization of impermanence, the changing of everything moment by moment, was and remains awful. Literally, 'awe-ful' and awful, both. Having the shadowy little girl wrapped all over and around and through this realization makes it hard to separate what are her deep fears of abandonment from what is the Buddha's dictum: 'life is suffering, life is impermanent.' Though perhaps they needn't be separated, perhaps she is the specific who illustrates the general. The relative truth mirroring, for once, the Absolute Truth. 

The core fear is the fear of death. The child who trembled in her boarding school bed that night has been clinging on grimly ever since. "I will not die!" she vowed. And she hasn't. She hides her resolve with a happy face and winning ways. She is very good at getting what she wants which is basically everyone's love and approval. She is so frightened of death, she will do anything to keep the wolves far, far away from her door. The glimpse on the cushion of the moment by moment dissolution of life was enough to scare the hell out of her. Victor's talk : if you are your thoughts, and your thoughts are not real, where does that leave "you"? Further scary. Now her experience is being corroborated from the outside, from the trusted source, the teacher. No wonder Sunday Alison fell to pieces. Who was left to hold her together? In the miracle of life's endless cycles of death and rebirth, the child did rise again, reasserting herself as crudely as possible in that sacred setting, figuratively spitting at death. (And boarding school too for good measure).

The real gift of the weekend was bringing the child squarely into the light, for all to see, but especially me, to whom she has been hidden for so long, in true shadow form. The thing that everybody sees so clearly - 65% child and nobody disagrees! - and I remained oblivious. To see that Tran's assessment is based on evidence that I myself present, whoever "I myself" might be. 

Finally, that "I" and the child are one and the same!! This is huge for me, and a big yawn to everybody else. The child is not all bad: she is actually pretty great, with her enthusiasm and her energy, her big heart, her generosity, her courage, her ability to see wonders in just about anything. The child however suffers terribly. She is alert to any hint of falling out of favor, of being shut out, she desperately wants to be "good" in order to be accepted and safe, at whatever the cost to her own self.  She can sabotage the whole edifice of Alison all unknowing, and bring her down. 

Who is writing this reflection? Who holds the pen? The 5% adult chiefly functions as editor. Wise woman seems only interested in the big picture, the synthesis of worlds, inner and outer. Her voice is low and appears only when the child is written out. She comes and goes. Perhaps it is she who helps the child notice the miracles in the mundane. For sure it is she who is able to hold the child with compassion. But this leaves the child in charge! Manning the helm of the leaking canoe called self, in the treacherous and very adult waters of life. How did this happen?

And so back to "surrender". Child must feel safe enough to surrender to the other two; untried adult must step up and then surrender to wise woman; who must in turn surrender to impermanence; Life must surrender to Death. Surrender really is the key. Don't fight - embrace. What else can we possibly do?

Is this spiritual claptrap? 

Perhaps the most honest thing to say in the end is simply:

"I don't know. I don't know."